Living a Whole Life

A truly passionate life is integrated -- a whole life that isn't divided up into categories. How many of us walk through the world, putting on different masks for different situations, assuming each role as its character? We are Whole when we are born, and then as we become "civilized", we begin to put different aspects of our life into separate categories or compartments. A child at school, for instance, may be this person, but when she gets home, becomes a seemingly different person. We create compartments for whatever role we are in.  As we get older, the walls between the compartments get stronger, and it gets harder to re-integrate. This creates stress. Stress creates dis-ease, which we then try to balance through comfort behaviors. So we gain weight, or get into debt, or become a control-freak, or take on everyone else's problems. But we aren't whole anymore, and that is the root of what is to come.

I'm not talking about, for example, a career person who is also raising a family. Of course, at work, you don't speak to your colleagues or clients the way you speak to your toddler. That isn't compartmentalizing -- that is just adjusting your approach for the situation. I'm talking about what I experienced as a young girl. I had learned to be the "nice girl". You know -- "Nice girls don't talk like that", or "Nice girls let everyone else talk and learn to listen." We all got the "nice kid" messages. But I took them in and lived by them. So I took all the not-nice kid thoughts and feelings, and boxed them very carefully, then built a wall around them. I didn't allow myself to feel anger or talk back when I was being discounted in some way. I just stuffed it all behind the wall. And I wasn't whole. I was sometimes outgoing, sometimes introverted, sometimes fearful, sometimes peaceful and happy. But it wasn't situational -- it was all related to the role I was in, the mask I chose for this group of people in my life.

After I was molested, I needed another room to stuff all that into. Bigger, thicker walls. Stronger door, good lock. I couldn't let any of those feelings out! Abused kids, bullied kids, they all become such great architects of strong-rooms within themselves.

By the time I moved out into the world as a young adult, I was totally confused. Had no idea who I really was -- yet the rest of the world saw me as mature, a take-charge type woman who really knew what she wanted and went after it. I knew I was a sham. And I lived in fear that the rest of the world would find out. So I became a control freak, and I took on everyone else's problems. What a great way to convince myself that I was Whole!

Fortunately, it all fell apart. Took decades of type-A personality behavior, coupled with strange bouts of illnesses, as I moved up in my career, strove to be a super-mom, worked at being a perfect wife, and gave all my "spare" time to serving my community. Finally, wham! The Universe said "Enough, Peg," and took it all away. Lost my job, my husband lost his two weeks later. Three kids in college, the big house on the side of the hill in Southern CA, a racing sailboat and yacht club membership, horses, dogs, birds, five cars; over the next two years, we went through the savings, the college fund, and found ourselves bankrupt, the house gone, the sailboat gone, the horses and dogs and birds gone, and we weren't finding a place to live because no one would rent to us while we were still in the process of a bankruptcy.... My health failed during those two years, and I was nearly in a wheelchair, racked with pain, gasping for breath due to asthma.... I had lost all control. The kids got jobs, and moved into apartments. College was no longer a for-sure thing for them.

I'm so glad that all happened! That is when I finally surrendered control, and looked up. "I need help," I prayed, not sure if anyone was listening. Within 24 hours, a friend showed up who signed a lease for us on a little condo we could afford. "I need a teacher to show me what to do" I prayed, this time believing a little bit that someone was listening. We got a job offer for my husband, in Kentucky, and we moved there. More fear, but this time, I faced it -- even moving away from our children -- leaving them to fend for themselves! I found my teacher, a wonderful woman who heard my story and invited me to join her woman's spirituality group. I found a doctor who understood that my illness needed more than western meds, and added acupuncture, sacral cranial massage, osteopathic manipulation and Chinese herbs to the regime. And slowly, I began to heal. Within three years, I no longer needed a wheelchair at all, and the asthma was gone. Within another two years, I got rid of my cane and began to live a more normal life, with support that kept the pain at a functional level. That was the physical sign of what was happening inside me. So much growth, so much personal development that I hadn't known I needed....

I found the keys to the doors that held all my darkness, all my fears, all my anger, everything I had been running from my whole civilized life. With loving support from my teacher and friends, I opened those doors and began to experience that side of myself. My husband, bless his heart, stood by me, silent mostly, allowing me to go through this, cheering for me when I'd hit a milestone worthy of celebrating, holding my hand when I needed some extra strength. But he let me, made me, do it myself. Such a gift!

When we left Kentucky to move to Texas, I was terrified! Losing my doctor and my teacher!  But I had built enough confidence by then, and I knew to look up again. "I need a new teacher, and a new doctor" I prayed, knowing that someone was listening. I found both. I truly began to understand how shifting perspective led me to spiritual growth, that changing your outlook does lead to positive outcomes.

I have discovered that perspective is so important, but that we need to shine our Light, our Inner Light in order to see the proper perspective. When I was living in fear of my own darkness, I was actually dimming my Light to the point that I couldn't see my Whole self. As I faced my fears and let them go, as I took down the walls and opened the boxes I had carefully protected for so long, my Light began to illuminate the beauty they contained, and the importance they held.

I had boxed myself into a closed system of sorts; I had created for myself a self-made Hell. And the best gift I ever received was losing everything -- it opened the doorway into myself, my Self, and allowed me to shift my perspective on what being a Nice Girl really means. And now I understand that I can laugh so much because I've known sadness.