Ever Have a Colonoscopy?

It's been a very interesting week. I've tried to write, but found myself feeling my words were trite and uninteresting. Tried to work on my book, but found the creativity wasn't there...

I had my first colonoscopy on Wednesday. Been having some problems, and this was the final test in a whole battery to basically rule out any disease. No big deal, right?

Generally, I am an optimist, and I think for myself. But this time, boy I bought into the general bias against this test! Everyone told me that the prep would be the worst, and then shared their own horror story about their prep. Others told me the prep would be bad, but the pain after the test would be horrible. They described the feelings of having a hose stuffed up -- well, you know. I explained I'd be asleep, and they'd respond with "Yes, I know, you think that will help."

So on Tuesday, when time to prep rolled around, I was nervous. I knew the stuff would taste just awful, and I'd spend hours sitting on the pot with pain and ....

The reality was a bit different. The prep solution tasted salty -- it's all electrolytes after all -- but it wasn't awful. The little bit of lemon flavoring took the edge off. The worst of it was that I felt so full, but had to keep drinking.... Then, suddenly, I wasn't full any more. The bit about the entire evening on the pot, well, no. Intermittently over about 2 hours, and then done. Not bad at all! No horror story here.

The test itself? Easy-peasy! The staff was great, I was in, readied for the procedure in 40 minutes, then 20 minutes for the test, and another 45 in recovery. (I just didn't see the need to wake up in a hurry...) Then awake, dressed and on my way home. Pain, discomfort? None. It was a cinch. Two days later, I'm great!

So, where's the lesson? Oh so many! I know better than to listen to the negativity that tries to enter my life, but this time, I welcomed it in. I went looking for it! I embraced it, made a home for the fear, and spent two days before the test in stress. My normal blood pressure is 98/64. The morning of the test it was 137/115! I had hyped myself into pure, unadulterated stress! I do suspect that all the sodium in the prep mixture contributed a little to that rise, but I know I had talked myself into being really nervous. 

It's so easy to talk ourselves into panic and fear. Even though I have spent the last 19 years learning how to stand in my center, to deflect fear and stress and stay balanced in love and trust, I let it all go. I bought into the public frenzy against something as simple as a test to insure I have no disease, and fell into the abyss of fear. So much for being awakened... Just when I start feeling pretty proud of myself for how I'm in charge of my perspective, I get another wake-up call.

Because I see this as exactly that -- a wake-up call to remind me to not get complacent. For me, fear is an addiction, and like every addict, I need to take it one day at a time, each moment as it presents. We are surrounded by fear -- it touches us in ways we can't even recognize constantly. It's how we react to that fear that determines how well we maneuver through our lives. It's our perspective on each event, each problem, each challenge that determines whether or not we live in fear, or we step out in confidence. When I am unafraid, I am my best Self. When I embrace fear, I am out of balance, and unable to step forward at all.

So, in ten years, when it's time to have another colonoscopy, I won't fear it. In the meantime, when you tell me you are facing one, I'll tell you not to listen to the horror stories, to allow yourself to have your own experience on their own terms. And if you are still resisting one, I'll try to help you see how changing your outlook can minimize your fear; and, mostly, I'll listen, really listen. Because sometimes, all it takes to work through fear is to have someone just listen without judgement. If asked if it's hard, I'll tell you I found resisting it harder than going through it. My truth.

Today, when I finish this, I'll sit back down at my desk and work on my book. I'm filled with ideas, my characters are calling out to me, I'm back in balance! The fear is gone, and I'm feeling creative and interesting once again. Another lesson in shifting perspective, a little personal development, maybe even some spiritual growth.... and another experience behind me.